last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
