she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
