I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
