Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize