i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
