foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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