Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
