you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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