I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
