Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
