she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
