dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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