he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
