Your tits are I can't wait for
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
should my penis look like a turkey
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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