I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
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Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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