Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
