I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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