I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
