Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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