you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
