Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
