Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
