Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You're like the curious george of whores
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
