Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
