why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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