Non-Jews are for practice
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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