3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
