"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
