this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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