I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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