ya dads aren't the best wingmen
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
