you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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