Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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