Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
