I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
worst night to have a conscience
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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