Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
