I am midnight drunk by noon
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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