I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
