i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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