I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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