You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
