im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
