plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
