be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
