My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.