ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
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THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds