I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.