Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Barsexuality is the new black.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
