Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
