Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
