If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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