im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
