george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
