i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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