just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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