the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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