All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
