for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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