you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
